he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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