i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
