If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
