i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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