I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
