We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
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Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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