im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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