That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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