can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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