how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
