He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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