When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
