dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
