I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He had one of those small greek statue penises
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
