she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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