Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
