i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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