The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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