smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
