I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
