I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
