I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
