I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
