Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
