Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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