I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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