She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize