I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
