Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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