The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
