he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
