he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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