I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
