ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
