Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
