Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
