I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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