My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
