1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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