May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
