Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
