when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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