ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
