I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
