How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
