i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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