kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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