I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
