Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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