thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
