I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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