Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
