So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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