just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
