I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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