Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
