Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Welp...herpes.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
